Is my cross standing at a site?

Is my cross standing at a way between the road to hell and heaven? Is my cross that i should bear had stand in a place and I walk on my own. It's does happen to me. I was walk on my own. My own ways, pleasure, freedom and desire. I was exchausted, tired and dry up. For I was walk on my own. The cross represent the suffering and pain I will endure in the walk of life to eternity. I had put it aside in the way to Heaven. Walk on my own desire had makes me suffer. I falled to my past and worried of future. I didn't control myself. I been scolded or puting false hope in my friends and family. What had happen to me? This all because I put my cross aside in the road. I cry to the Lord for what I have done. Lord, I lifted my sorrow and failure to you. Lord, forgive me that I had put my cross aside. My cross once lifted high in the way to You. Now Lord, I want to lifted the standing cross and bear it to walk for the days of my life.

The word of God said:
Luke 8:34 said:
"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

I want to carried back my own cross to walk back. Lord, guide me. After 29 days after the new years, i failed many test of my school studies. Lord, guide me to be hardworking and filled with the Holy Spirit to work. I will not gamble for my own future. God, surely You are there to guide me in my life.

A word of God that my friend, angela who had help me to refers at.It had refresh my soul:

Luke 8:4-15 (New International Version)

While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up. Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown."

When he said this, he called out, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

His disciples asked him what this parable meant. He said, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,

" 'though seeing, they may not see;
though hearing, they may not understand.'

"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.