It’s Christmas times now. Everyone is busy with their own things and work and so do I. Today I just realize I whether still belong to this church or not because I felt i not been belong to anyone here. I still dun have a close friend to share my daily sorrows. I felt alone in serving in this church. I even felt I want to quit this program and go back to work in the secular world. I felt what I am here for. Alone, depress, not loved, not being socially attached to and much more thoughts running in my head. I felt like a child seeking for the love. Yet that love is still lost. Am I lost my love with God? It’s the first love is gone and I felt lost. There is a hole that always longing for love and care. I unable to love because I can’t see it. Have a lost my faith? Am I alone all the time? Why I still thinking those past that still haunted me because those rejection which makes me like a wonderer in every church. I am worth to serve. Am I serving man or God? I felt depress because I felt alone. Am I just simply selfish? I felt lost and dry. What am I doing here? Where am I Lord?
Friday, December 23, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
It's a corner of the writer
This blog always a corner to pour some story out from my own life that i seldom talk about and said. In this year of 2011, i made a major decision to leave my medium income workplace, my comfort n entertainment place of KL that i been study and work for 3 years to come to KK in the All Saint's Church to join the Ambassador program. It's been struggle and freedom from the word of God after so much of training and practical. Yet, i still always have a struggle of coping loneliness that always lingering to me when i go to any churches since i left my mother church, i can't find my own trusted gangs that we can have fun and trust. I always felt lonely even now with 3 of them because i just dunno who i can share my sorrow and pain to. That hunger for longing always in hunger. I felt more things to be done but this belonging hunger still there. I felt no sense of love in belonging and trust. I now even can't open a trust bridge even to the friends i been know for a long time. I start dunno how to spend more time because i lost longing in my heart. It might be rejections from previous relationship in the past that cause some holes in the heart still leaking in some moments. I felt very tired of being strong in the faces of many. I felt alone now because i dunno who to share those holes that makes me thinks a lot. I'm alone now yet i read Bible more if i still felt this way. I pray that God heal me in this moments of a year of serving him. Who shall i share those sorrow to......
This blog always a corner to pour some story out from my own life that i seldom talk about and said. In this year of 2011, i made a major decision to leave my medium income workplace, my comfort n entertainment place of KL that i been study and work for 3 years to come to KK in the All Saint's Church to join the Ambassador program. It's been struggle and freedom from the word of God after so much of training and practical. Yet, i still always have a struggle of coping loneliness that always lingering to me when i go to any churches since i left my mother church, i can't find my own trusted gangs that we can have fun and trust. I always felt lonely even now with 3 of them because i just dunno who i can share my sorrow and pain to. That hunger for longing always in hunger. I felt more things to be done but this belonging hunger still there. I felt no sense of love in belonging and trust. I now even can't open a trust bridge even to the friends i been know for a long time. I start dunno how to spend more time because i lost longing in my heart. It might be rejections from previous relationship in the past that cause some holes in the heart still leaking in some moments. I felt very tired of being strong in the faces of many. I felt alone now because i dunno who to share those holes that makes me thinks a lot. I'm alone now yet i read Bible more if i still felt this way. I pray that God heal me in this moments of a year of serving him. Who shall i share those sorrow to......
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