Should I stay or leave?

It’s Christmas times now. Everyone is busy with their own things and work and so do I. Today I just realize I whether still belong to this church or not because I felt i not been belong to anyone here. I still dun have a close friend to share my daily sorrows. I felt alone in serving in this church. I even felt I want to quit this program and go back to work in the secular world. I felt what I am here for. Alone, depress, not loved, not being socially attached to and much more thoughts running in my head. I felt like a child seeking for the love. Yet that love is still lost. Am I lost my love with God? It’s the first love is gone and I felt lost. There is a hole that always longing for love and care. I unable to love because I can’t see it. Have a lost my faith? Am I alone all the time? Why I still thinking those past that still haunted me because those rejection which makes me like a wonderer in every church. I am worth to serve. Am I serving man or God? I felt depress because I felt alone. Am I just simply selfish? I felt lost and dry. What am I doing here? Where am I Lord?

It's a corner of the writer

This blog always a corner to pour some story out from my own life that i seldom talk about and said. In this year of 2011, i made a major decision to leave my medium income workplace, my comfort n entertainment place of KL that i been study and work for 3 years to come to KK in the All Saint's Church to join the Ambassador program. It's been struggle and freedom from the word of God after so much of training and practical. Yet, i still always have a struggle of coping loneliness that always lingering to me when i go to any churches since i left my mother church, i can't find my own trusted gangs that we can have fun and trust. I always felt lonely even now with 3 of them because i just dunno who i can share my sorrow and pain to. That hunger for longing always in hunger. I felt more things to be done but this belonging hunger still there. I felt no sense of love in belonging and trust. I now even can't open a trust bridge even to the friends i been know for a long time. I start dunno how to spend more time because i lost longing in my heart. It might be rejections from previous relationship in the past that cause some holes in the heart still leaking in some moments. I felt very tired of being strong in the faces of many. I felt alone now because i dunno who to share those holes that makes me thinks a lot. I'm alone now yet i read Bible more if i still felt this way. I pray that God heal me in this moments of a year of serving him. Who shall i share those sorrow to......

Next Batch of Faith Music

I was graduated from the second sem of vocal class in FCC. It was a big difference of me in my singing method than the previous me in last worship team auditions. I gain stamina. Although that night, I didn't win but i saw something on that night. Success leads through obedience to God, somehow i experience it's true. The path was hard yet hope is in Him. In this 3 month of job i had even though it's very boring at times, i got better starting salary for diploma graduate even i not had an diploma yet. It's a blessing from him. Breakthrough is what my sister said to me. Hmmm.....now i stuck with some website design cause me a big headache in my head. I been thinking for weeks and it still not accepted. That why ppl always whom not artist or designer will not understand what we been through in the progress of thinking of an creative design. The process takes time but with good art director to lead would be nice to me. Even it crush my artwork, i accept it rather a bunch of garbage critics all around. Some even not an encouragement or talking. That's even worst. Keep on on designing and designing this webby:

this website makes my head spin and spin around just to revent a company website design. So much of things not planned well for a website. I understand, they not web designer yet i not experience in it too....wat the hell, makes me even late to gave the job up. Keep working in a bored place or sometimes a 38 place if the 38 ppl here....haha

Does?

Does it a must in it? Insurances, i dun have much faith on these policy. Sometimes, when people ask about kill me (joking), i just said let it be. Why i should said so. I said because life sometimes just here n there. Either you live or die, but i do believe i die or live with hope. Today, it was a bored day and it's near holiday. Tomorrow I will be going to help si Zermi's crew in lighting. I hope i can learn something. Why hopes so dim foe such a cloudy day? I seems tired today with dim mood. Sometimes people do not understand what is the meaning of teach than to scold so directly till they know. F U. You just the same hurt people like us. Self vs Give. Haiz....just sleep today...anyway, i been months no updated this blog....

Don't Be A Problem Maker Next Time And Stay Alive....

Something to remember in future as designer...

Pao Imin from BQConference on Vimeo.

Times had goes by.

Times had goes by so fast now. Things if not planned well, time just sometimes wasted in young life. Things changes. I'm change. My mindset had changes. Changes is good when it come with good outcomes. Well, things not the same when times goes by. Sometimes i felt grateful even when that very things happen in my life. It serve with a purpose that makes me more better person than cling on emotions and problem soon might will happen and cause disruptions. Well sometimes when i think back those times, it is a moments yet it does affect me now but it haunted me my own very motive that when i meet friends. Does i had a bad motive behind? Will i be the one whom do the same mistakes that cause me such troubles in the past? The last one is also a friend whom i just know not so long and i get attracted to her. Well, does motive really cause the effect or things just to early. It does affected my ways to know new friends. I hope i didn't come out with bad motive in these things. I don't want create or make an early relationship due to what happens to me in the past but does these matters. Hmmm. Friendships in early is better because early cause end the relationships due to many reasons n emotions. I still learning by lesson i get by the past. Well, i soon need to start back devotions and re purpose my life. I'm growing up and soon life need to be go on as i'm now become adult. Leaning adult.

Friends and Money.

Money always a sensitive issue to anyone. Well, today i just spoke to a friend about money n friends things. Sometimes i just wonder, now i having financial problem till i dun want to spend much in certain areas, does that affect the friend's relationships. Isn't we communicate and etc makes better? Sometimes i dun like to talk about my financial usage because i feel i have my own right to use it yet in some point of view that i didn't go to find them or having a party with some of my own college friend. Does that affect the relationships? What really matter in relationship anyway? Some certain point we do sacrifice something for it yet sometimes does it give back. I still doubt about this matter yet i just be flexible. My words hard to be trust now. Gaining trust now i need to learn. Does money really matters? What comes to friendships? I not yet work and have my own financial. I just wonder. I seldom talk to friends. I not a person whom always communicate. That why i felt alone somehow in certain times. Am i lack of communicate or something else. Hmmm.

Being in Love.

Love in a boy and girl relationship is sweet in the early moments. Love sometimes I even don’t really understand it much. Love from God is unconditional. Love from man is limited. Love needs both sides. Love goes through thick and thin. Well, what I saying now is easy because I never fully experience such situation in my life yet. Yet, I still know my family still loves me. But sometimes, I still lack of something. Heart feels empty because of my past. Rejected heart need time to heal. Yet God had molded me much throughout those season of life. Now, I think I need to self discipline and get my mind mature and work with my own earning. Being in love is sweet. Being together for me takes both effort and trust. Mistakes I done have been an impact of me and a hard lesson to go on. Sometimes, I think that I being a melancholy person is not a strong man. What means to be a strong man in emotions? I still seeking it and learn to make myself strong in my character. Still learn it.

Hang Outs



Well, today is one of our heng dai, Dik's birthday, remake of the birthday in lecture hall again...haha...
















tat the lecture hall celebrations....
















kakis gathering with the B boy bah....













dikacau kau kau ni panggil....XD















last stance....dunno why use woodpecker???

*photo by Mei Shan....

Well, today i get some hang out with my kakis' in my college life. Times pass by so fast. I with them already a year more. I need to appreciate my friends while there is time before we graduated. For me in these studies of my diploma, 2 years is too fast and next years, i need to plan for my own future and career life. Getting older now sometimes i don't like it but i need to face it. Things so busy these few days and i get sleepless night sometimes due to assignment and some weird nightmare and dreams. It's been the third week and i felt it hard to reconnect something that had broken in the relationship. It's like a gap of wall between us when we meet together. I regret i do make mistakes when things not so stable, i put the wrong responsible and it end up bad in the friendship too because i been too control and caring. It's a hard lesson to me now to grow up and I dun wan get failed again in my own diploma studies due to some hard feelings in the past had cause me give up in my STPM. I failed once, i dun want to failed twice again. It's a season to me now. I need to go through it with God. Sometimes i miss her yet things still broken. What's the point to love instead the other side didn't love? It's just stupid to make myself miserable. I learn not to self pity all the time although when things calm down, sometimes i was very miss her and concern about her. I need space now to heal my own heart for what had been happen. I think i will not so fast to get a girlfriend because i still not mature enough to take care of a person and i need to learn to take care of myself first. Sometimes what i spoken is hard to be done yet it need to be done. Action speaks louder than words. It need times and practice to make it successful. I still learning. Sometimes, i hope she forgive me what i had done and gave me a chance, yet i need space to get rib of these hard feelings. Haiz. Keep devotions now. I pray she will be healthy always. God Bless.

"Quotation from the past"

"And please don't thank me.

I NEVER HELP U.

This is not an advice.

This is a comment abt ur attitude.

THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN HELP IS U URSELF."

"IF everyone is able to solve these problems, why not u ??

IF we can, so is u

God promise to us that He will show the ways out whenever we are in trouble

He is Our Father in Heaven

And as a father, he know our limits

He will not allow us 2 handle problems we cant solve

Count ur blessing

and everytime u gt a problem

Think of it as a task given by our Dad in order to prune to mold to break to change us

And remember prayer alone cannnot help u

u need action

God help those who help themselves

Be careful what you say and protect your life. A careless talker destroys himself.

Proverb 13:3"

: comment from anonymous. "one comment whom i still learning to cling on.

I just read back my old achieve and see what some reader had really comment me to be a mature me in the past. I see it back because it's been self pity these few days that i need to go thorough. My life not that sucks but myself needs a character changes. Broken yet to move on. These comment had influenced me. People whom send by God to me. Even thought some time in life, i hope can meet them. Listen to certain life testimony in their life whom had inspired me. An inspiration life through thin and thick. Life's blog started to get less more "Me" in future. God Bless.

Insomnia. +.+

I have insomnia disease which is sleeping disorder. It's been 3 months since it began. Maybe it soon be a part of designer life or what so ever. I had sleepless nights these week. I woke up in the middle of the night and sleep again. Nightmare of horror and rejections haunted me every time my eyes been shut to sleep. Images somehow still appear in my mind. I'm been restless these few days and not happy. It's suck in the reality life. Learn to cope yet i sometimes keep wondering how to make me strong and happy. How to make me valuable to others? It's been a question in my mind for a long time since i ask my best pal, Gabriel how he can keep good friendship among your friends that strong. It's need sacrifice i do dun know what kind and degree of sacrifice to do with it. I do have addiction on the internet and games which also cause me to have this disease. I can't sleep well. Recent things happen makes me depress like whom i once been depress of relationship problems and stress. My family do have depression. I do have a part of time that i do depression. Lately, sleepless night with less appetite cause me even more emotional down. Now, it's like a dark age in my spiritual life. A dark age. Recent things that happen i was trying to let go but it's still hard for me. I miss my friends whom was my supporter. Now, i need to cling on myself to walk this path to get strong. Haiz.

It's been the first week. Get back to the word of God.

Emotions much settle down. My life start get re routine back. I need to focus back to my study and giving space with patient. Devotion start back for the first week. I been through something in these few days. Advice to keep on and life need to go on. Try to refocus back and control my emotions flow than it control me to make bad decisions. I been hit so many walls till i wake up. Sometimes i just wonder, i rather listen than hit the wall that makes me broken so much. Keep going on with life with God. He is my guide. Learn to patient and give the space in friendship. God is my comforter.

patient

By Your Side.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

Artist: Tenth Avenue North

Song: By Your Side

I had cried when i heard these song. My condition now is like these song.

Lament

I going through lamentations now. Please support me by prayer my friends.

A life in KL.

In these moments, i been sick so much. I been living a life that brings me to dust. I had not care much about myself and others. There is so much hurt still en rooted me and haunted me. I now learn to satisfy with what i had and what i need. I saw still little things yet i get pride of knowledge. No wonder, humble people do success in control their life into a good path and happy life. My life been so out of routine. I sleep late for no reason. It's suffer that when i took the temptation of the outside and be dwell with me. I started drink some alcohol. It's was a drifted life. When i back to hometown, i learn that, there is useless to get drifted but stay on the Lord is the one I should hold on as always since i was been filled with God's love. I still remember that because i always get happy. When i get adult, things change, get to mature, think more, less lazy, self control, less complain and etc. Adult is good and i learn through suffering, i can be strong. Iron sharpen Iron, one quotation from my sis. Now i going through those sharpening seasons. Keep myself on prayer. I type like Yoda pula. That what i going through now. Try to get healthy life before i get sick young.

Birthday.....

Everyone celebrate birthdays. Birthdays remind my mothers, she always remind me of my birthday and celebrate together with all my family. I was very glad that at least my family reminds me of my birthdays all the time and the moments i enjoy with my family. I should spend more time with the relationships with all my family. Well, i not very like my birthday sometimes because i always see i celebrate people's birthday with surprises and good food or present been given to them. Yet all the year of my life, it's just a day like normal days except wishes from peoples whom i know. At least, wishes are a good things that they wish for me. All thanks to my church friends and some school friends and facebook too wishes those Happy Birthday message to me. I just sometimes i feel rejected because i had immune to these days. Sometimes i do said, if u don't want to celebrate or forgotten, just let it be. All my life, good moments of birthdays are from family more than friends. I am very jealous of my friends that why they get some good surprises or others from their friends and I am a part of the celebration yet when comes to me, all had busy with their own stuffs. That makes me think for this night thought i just got some wishes and ice cream. Man do crave for more. Sometimes, people do wishes you in facebook, i didn't felt the reality of the message than the message been speaks out from words through face to face which gave me a smile at my face. A simple cake celebrations with photos captured would be a happy celebration with songs sing together will cheer me up for the day. Haiz.....i not meant to be LC in some of my friends birthdays just i just had some this jealousy had cause some coolness of my attitude when those celebration happens. Sometimes i don't celebrate their birthday with the same reason my friend do the same things. Well, 21 birthday celebrations will be special is a bullshit to me because it's doesn't happen at that day. It's just a bullshit than others whom are specials. Well, in this post, i was want to express out my feelings of the day and feel hurts that i had store for a long time. Sometimes I thought what I had wrong. What I do in treating people? What i had done wrong in communication? I really dunno. Anyway, it's good that people gave some nice wishes to me and i thanks them all. These messages are not meant to hurt but it is I want to express what I want to said. God Bless U all.

Learn something from this video....remind somethings....

Nice video from my friend Tommy and Muhidren....nice advertisement....college assignment...